I’m Not Okay. Is That Okay?

 

What inspired me to write this rather personal post was the recent passing of Kate Spade.  For those of you who don’t know of Kate Spade this is her life in sum.Kate Spade was a fashion designer who made some of the best handbags I have ever seen. So much so, I had to buy them for my own closet! My mom gave me my first Kate Spade backpack when I was in middle school. These handbags she curated  were a staple of fashion and always will be.  Unfortunately, Kate Spade took her own life recently and it was a moment of reflection for everyone. It reminded us all that mental health is important and something that should be talked about. Their is this constant stigma surrounding mental health and with her passing we should all realize this is something that needs to stop.

 

 

Blue Clouds Turn Dark Sometimes

When it comes to posts like this I am always so scared to press publish.  I never want people to read this post and think of me differently. Yet, on  the other hand I want to expose my readers  to my life; the good, the bad, and the ugly. If at all I help one person after they read my personal story than this was all worth it.

Last summer I was at one of the lowest points in my life. Every day I would wake up really sad and that sadness wouldn’t go away. It would be this dark cloud hovering over me for days. Which shortly turned into weeks and then months. At first I didn’t want to tell anyone about what I was feeling because I myself wasn’t really understanding what was going on. It would get so bad that some days I wouldn’t leave my room. I would just lay in bed  and constantly think about all the things that were wrong in my life. Replaying it over and over again in my head.  Things started to get bad for me rather quickly. I started to not  really have an appetite. The idea of going outside was something that I didn’t want to do. Simple tasks like getting out my bed, getting dressed, being motivated to do things became the most difficult. I saw a side of myself that I never knew.

 

 

I’m not very good at hiding things so eventually my mom picked up on it. Shortly after that my sister and dad realized. When they asked me what was wrong I didn’t know really what to tell them. Still to this day I am not sure what exactly was making me sad. It was not just one thing but a  combination of things. At the time I was mentally becoming sick due to constant negative thoughts that I seemed to never be able to shut off. These ” negative thoughts” were coming at all different angles some about  my job at the time, and certain friendships that had ended.

I left my friends and boyfriend in the dark about my depression initially. Until one day, I felt like I couldn’t take my sadness anymore. So I started drafting the people I love messages. At the time I was texting my boyfriend and throughout our conversation I sent  a really alarming message. Which he later felt it was necessary to  forward to my mom, sister and close friend because he was concerned about my well being at the time. I not only scared them but I was scaring myself.

I write all of that to tell you that as of today,  I can say confidently that I am doing a lot better. Last summer I was thinking about all the things that were making me really sad. Which in turn kept me in that dark place for so long. I think looking back at that time in  my life I could have gotten out of that dark place quicker than I did. Only if I had focused my thoughts on things that brought me happiness.   With every experience comes growth and opportunity to learn a little bit about who you are. If I learned one thing from that experience  it was to talk about what your dealing with to someone you trust.

Talk About It

When I told the people I trust and love about what I was going through I realized that it was in turn helping me deal with it all. The thoughts were slowly leaving my head and I was able to replace them with positive ones. I’ve always had this mentality that people have bigger problems than me. So  instead of opening up to others I would usually keep  my problems bottled inside. Which is something that I don’t recommend and what I have recently stopped doing. If your facing something currently I would talk about because  it is very therapeutic. Whether you phone a friend, have a therapist, call a hotline I would suggest talking to someone. Whenever you are at your lowest point and think life is not worth living please remember that it is. There are people surrounded by you who love you oh so much and want you to be happy but most importantly alive.

If there is anything that I want you to take away from this post is the following:

  1. Remember the future is always worth the fight!
  2.  You won’t be sad for long though it may seem that way initially.
  3. Check on your friends and family even if they may seem to be the happy or strong one.

Until next time. Talk soon.

Love Owlways 🦉,

 

 

If you or someone you know is facing depression or has suicidal thoughts please contact

  1-800-273-8255

 

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